When Alice here starts to look beautiful Sir, that means the anaesthetic’s taking effect.

You twisted your ankle treading on an ant? Was it an eliff-ant?

Hospital doctors today can only infrequently be identified by the wearing of white coats and even less frequently by mature forms of behaviour.

Which specialty are you choosing, Astrid? Oh, you are waiting to see which professor likes you?

I wish I could spend as much time reading on the job as you, Charge Nurse, but I only work here forty hours a week.

Medical governance is an empire run by two-faced defectors who kotow to absurd levels of public and political screw-turning to suppress our liberty and sparkle.

She had read a book, ‘The Art of Pissing Back Up’.

A bull charged the police car? Were they trying to mount a cow?

The old miner had a rattling cough and a burnt nose. This is a well-known syndrome.  When someone with chronic chest disease starts on intermittent home oxygen, the first time he slyly lights a fag under the mask, it bursts into flame and burns him. It only happens once.

The surgeon’s nickname is ‘Mr Bond’ … licensed to kill. Someone drew a sketch of him operating with a vulture perched on top of the drip-stand.

The cardiologist’s expensive portfolio case contained mostly coffee-sachets, chocolate biscuits and vintage bus magazines.

The ship’s doctor was useless and except for treating an odd case of tummy upset, spent his time knocking back pink gins in the bar and inviting lonely American women down to his cabin. If there was a real emergency, there was always a surgeon amongst the passengers who knew what to do.

Ah, here comes Leah to relieve you. I’ve never been relieved by Leah, but I imagine it’s very good?

About that hefty girl with a lipoma on her thigh, will you arrange for the smaller fatty lump to be removed from the larger fatty lump?

False research? Gadzooks! Tons of it! There is no iron in spinach for a start. Popeye should have eaten the tins.

The chiefs say you’re not learning any new skills? Pitch up at your next hearing balancing a hoop on your nose.

Leah saw a cockroach and bent down. ‘Good morning Dr Dewar.’ At that instant Dr Dewar swept by. Why was she so incredibly unlucky?

Well, if Dominic wanted to screw her, she’s certainly screwed him.

The patient was eating mountains of Satsumas, because the country was being invaded by Samurai warriors disguised as Satsumas.

Lottery winners never ask, ‘Why has this happened to me?’ Those with serious illnesses often do.

You want to be a nurse when you grow up? So, you enjoy drinking tea and gossiping?

This low-salt low-blood-pressure fallacy comes from studies in Finland, where tiny clusters at physiological extremes were surveyed in isolation and a flawed generalisation has been drawn. A prescription, Doctor? The cure is to put salt on your food. Salt?! You’ve not heard of Cassandra, the Trojan seeress? No, obviously not.

The squat shapeless Ceit watched Leah’s pale yet irritatingly winsome features, before snapping viciously, ‘I don’t “allude”. I ask questions … and you answer.’

He said he had ‘strived’ to change her outlook. Though perhaps able to conjugate his own bile salts, he could not it seemed, conjugate English strong verbs.

Dialogue: That Japanese accountant’s besotted with, yet wholly intimidated by her. He simply has no idea how to handle her. But she’s only a paper tiger. He doesn’t see it like that. Cultural differences. Is that a grade two or a grade three bow he keeps giving her? Grade four’s flat on the floor is it? Yes, that’s for the emperor. Anyway, he’s doing wonders for her self-esteem.